Anticipatory Bereavement
– Wallace Sife, Ph.D.
In the past eight years our APLB chatrooms have logged in over 20,000 visitors. Most of them
came to get help for the grief they were experiencing, after the death of a beloved pet. But there
have always been some who came to us because they were in the throes of a different kind of
agony – one that they didn’t even know there was a name for: anticipatory bereavement. This is
also sometimes referred to as anticipatory grief. But that term actually is a misnomer, since the
grief already exists.
Much of our lives is spent anticipating events, both happy and not. This is especially evident
when we learn that someone we love hasn’t long to live. From that tragic moment we begin in
various ways to grieve the loss – well before the actual death. But sometimes this can turn out
to be prolonged agony. People from different cultural backgrounds may vary in terms of how and
what they think or do, in preparation for death. And they may also demonstrate their sorrow
somewhat differently.
Actually, anticipatory bereavement is a very common experience. Unless there is some kind of
other tragedy, all our pets will eventually age or become terminally ill. It is normal to have some
dreaded thoughts about this, but in most cases we tend to avoid torturing ourselves too soon.
Even at the end denial can sometimes play a healthy role in protecting our emotional stability.
As real and traumatic as the situation is, part of us somehow is unable to face it fully. The
prospect of impending death may feel too terrible, and we often ride the waves of our emotions,
rarely ever taking a peek beneath their tormented surface. This is a normal unconscious
emotional reaction, needed at the time to protect one’s stability. But a long, terrible period of
unceasing caretaking and dreading the end will wear us down. Because of this, sometimes
when the death eventually occurs it can provide a terrible relief for us. Our dear one is out of
pain, and we can now start picking up the pieces of our shattered lives.
Most people realize that their loved ones will no longer be suffering, when they eventually die.
And to some degree the grief already experienced usually readies the anticipatory bereaver for
the shock and emotional trauma that follow after the death. This experience can prepare the
individual to cope with what will follow, as many of the stages of bereavement already may have
been painfully sampled. Yet as upsetting as that is, anticipatory bereavement is only a transition
period. The real mourning begins only after the actual death takes place. That is still a time
process, and the person will now have to go through the stages of post mortem bereavement.
But because we are emotionally exhausted and saturated with the pain, the natural
bereavement period that follows often will be shortened.
Another positive aspect of anticipatory bereavement is that it can provide time to gradually
absorb the reality of the impending death. It is no surprise that this includes many of the same
symptoms of grief we experience later. But at this time we are in a better position to tend to
unfinished business, such as saying goodbye, and I love you. This unique pre- death
bereavement has been defined as the total set of cognitive, affective, cultural, and social
reactions to expected death felt by the family. Some typical symptoms are bouts of distraction
and depression, heightened concern for the dying pet, rehearsal of the death, in one’s mind, and
attempts to adjust in advance to the imagined consequences of the death.
It may at first seem strange, but in contradiction to what one would expect, a few researchers
have reported that anticipation of loss can actually intensify attachment to the pet, and make
acceptance of the death even harder. Experience has shown this to be the exception. But it
must be kept in mind that each of us has a different emotional makeup, and nobody ever reacts
exactly as “everyone else” does. That concept is a fallacy.
We have found that during anticipatory bereavement one would do well to take steps to help
minimize the invented sense of guilt that often arises, later. You have the time to say many
things you may want to express. That could be an apology or one more time to say, “I love you.”
It is also very important now for the owner and the pet to have some deeply personal time and
communication together.
The death of a beloved pet can be so tragic for us. That is such a hard concept. But it can be
helpful, especially during anticipatory bereavement, to consider if they outlived us who would
care for and love them when they die. Maybe somehow, this is the best way. Nobody wants to
live forever. And when we can also somehow put that into perspective for our dear ones, it
makes a lot of new sense. Animals also have an awareness of their own dignity and impending
deaths, but we tend to overlook that and consider all things from our own emotional perspective.
Very often they will try to hang on, because they see how much we want them to stay. At this
terrible time we have to give each other permission to let go. Acceptance of reality, change, and
our continuing growth and evolution are some of the many things in life that our beloved pets
are here to help us with. Learning about this from them is an example of the gifts they leave
behind for us. To ignore it would be such a shame and additional loss.
This is a very special time to honor a loved one and prepare ourselves for what life will be like
after he or she is gone. As mentioned, it may also be a last opportunity to do some of the things
you have always wanted to do together. Although this is an intensely personal and private time,
shared mainly between the owner and the pet, it is advisable to actively seek out close friends
or reliable supportive people, for supportiveness. The APLB chatrooms are one of the best
examples of this. During anticipatory bereavement it is important to further investigate our
feelings – and help validate them, as well. Sharing them with our peers is a very positive step
toward self- empowerment and healing.
In reality, all of life is a continuous preparation for death – our own, as well as for those we love.
During our lifetimes we experience a string of more superficial losses that remain with us and
affect us for the rest of our days. The loss of a job, social status, financial security – are less
obvious examples of factors in this potential learning process. We know about death, but in
Western culture we tend to avoid thinking about it and its ramifications. Actually, as suggested
earlier, we are often in some kind of denial of the reality – up until the tragic time when we can’t
pretend to ourselves any longer.
It is presumed by many, that lesser losses prepare us for the greater ones in life – such as the
deaths of loved ones and, finally, the end of one’s own life. Despite our angst and great
reluctance to face up to it, death must be accepted and confronted. Previous major losses and
deaths always remain within us. But we tend to suppress our pains, and install them in the
subconscious part of our minds, where they seem to be forgotten. Unless we have been able to
bravely confront them and put them into perspective, they are always there. And that potentially
explosive stored-up unhappiness is almost always triggered by a new major loss, which can
result in an avalanche of overwhelming grief and pain. Because of the nature of suppressed
feelings we are not aware that the extra intensity of grieving can be also for these other hidden
memories in our emotional “closets”. Everyone carries some psychological baggage around.
The important thing is to be able to confront and accept that, and continue on with our growth.
Here is where successful therapy can play a very important role. And that goes well beyond pet
bereavement counseling. It is very different, and requires specially trained professionals in
psychology.
Anticipatory bereavement is a mixed-bag of emotions. But even at this time of great sadness the
eventual death may now not be as debilitating to us. Generally speaking, after a prolonged time
of terrible anticipation and grief most people seem to be able to handle the shock better than
others who did not have to endure this long preparation. But again, there will always be some
exceptions, and future studies will come up with illustrations of all kinds of variations on this
complex emotional situation and response.
Pet owners who are going through anticipatory bereavement would do well by using this very
sad time creatively. It is advisable to thoughtfully plan some things, in advance. Decide now on
burial or cremation – or whatever other option you prefer. Make contact with the aftercare
professionals, who can advise and support you. It is also wise to work out the expenses, so you
won’t have to deal with that later, when you will be in the throes of a different kind of mourning.
Think about memorials, and how you can best honor the pet’s memory. How you now live your
life will be different, and very tearful, at first. But it should also be a positive part of your personal
memorial. Life is a wonderful transition we can barely understand. Yet there is a lesson here that
our beloved deceased companion animals can help us learn – in salute to their memory. A joyful
celebration of that life is our best memorial and tribute.
When we bereave loved ones we should not think of ourselves as victims, but celebrants! And
by realizing this we honor them – and allow ourselves to become wiser and better people,
because of them. They live on in us. Life goes on. And that is as it should be.
