In this essay from our Spring 2007 newsletter, Dr Sife discusses how the death of a beloved pet forces us to confront and deal with a major life change.
Change – Dr. Wallace Sife. Ph.D.
At times we become unwitting victims of our own design. Our accumulated habits and practices can too easily take control and imprison us. Wisdom teaches us that in time all knowledge and experience becomes obsolete. But many find that difficult to address because they have become self-impaired – limited and confined by their entrenched ways of thinking and behaving. After a loved one dies that becomes especially evident and painful.
We all have an unconscious predisposition for convenience and stability. This affects our everyday behavior and urgency to form fixed patterns in our ways of life. And when they are developed enough to satisfy us we then fall into an automatic mode, utilizing them. In effect, we build into our daily existence convenient tracks, and we much prefer to contentedly ride on these rails all the time – without change. To use a different image, the routines and practices we create for ourselves become deeply worn ruts, which become difficult – or seemingly impossible – to get out of.
We find comfort and security with them – which sometimes can be to our detriment. Too often, change from these needs to be forced on us. Even people living in abusive situations find it hard or practically impossible to remove themselves from those conditions. During the grief of bereavement logic plays a very small role, or none at all, in overcoming deep-rooted patterns of daily living. It is so hard to get used to the loved one not being there, any longer.
The convenient patterns of thinking and reacting, which we all develop, become entrenched. When we find a comfortable philosophy or principle, we can too easily dismiss all other ones, regardless of their actual possible merit. That is another pitfall in doing anything habitually – or thinking or reacting out of convenience. And it goes even further during bereavement, by unconsciously warping our emotional responses, also. Interestingly, for many, this is the reason for being too quick and judgmental with others who don’t seem supportive or understanding.
Most often, change is perceived as uncomfortable, or even as a threat – and can make us resentful or afraid. It is counterproductive to be completely on “automatic pilot”, yet we all have done that at times. Unfortunately, the illusion of security that provides can eclipse the reality of what is actually happening around us – as well as to us.
There are many kinds of change. It can be gradual, and planned for our benefit. Or it can be thrust on us suddenly, unwanted and with tragic consequences. With the loss of a beloved companion animal this can seem to tear a hole in the very fabric of our being. We all now know that learning how to adapt to that can be very complicated, as well as agonizing.
Healthy habits and routines allow for impromptu variation and adjustment. But that is not always what is best. One danger in our becoming creatures of established procedures is that we cease to critically examine how well (or not) they continue to serve our current and future needs. Unfortunately, we are forced to see that later, when things change beyond our preference or control, and seem to come crashing down on us.
Habits and routines become automatic controls over ourselves. The only way to break away is to replace them with new ones, or strong distractions. This difficult process is much more than an intellectual exercise. We are dealing with dynamic psychological behavioral patterns, which often contradict good common sense. The deeper they have been allowed to become imbedded, the more difficult it is to extract ourselves from them. At times we need the help of someone else, to offer perspectives and encouragement we lack.
When it comes to the death of a beloved companion animal, new daily regimens are needed to help us start over, again. The unaccustomed emptiness of the home can feel unbearable. We have to develop positive, different ways to respond to the shock and bereavement. One method that I have found to work very well is to have the bereaving person sit down for 15 minutes at about the same time every day, and add to an ongoing journal notations of happy memories and loving recollections of the deceased animal friend.
As indicated, it is important to do this at the same time every day. Unvarying regularity is the key to starting a new routine or habit, to eventually replace an older one. Earnestly making yourself persist in this will provide a positive influence on healing from your bereavement. Introducing new structure and regimen is excellent therapy, at this time. The trauma and grief forced on you can be diminished by this new discipline.
A healthy mourning process should gradually help take into account that our treasured thoughts and memories are already a permanent part of ourself. It is natural to have some anxiety about forgetting, but there really is no danger of this. In fact, the loving experience with the dear one actually provides the foundation to go on, and become a better person than before.
It is wonderful to realize that just as we were there for our loved ones, they are still here for us now, in our hearts. Most of us don’t realize it at the time, but one of their many functions was to help make us ready for the future, after they leave us. The loving journey together enriched the pet’s life and yours – and can continue to enrich yours, now.
It is constructive to understand that among the many obligations we assume for our loved ones, after they pass on there is still one important one left. We should now honor the positive value they had – and still have – in our ongoing lives. There will be many tears during this process. But they will be healing tears.
Change is absolutely inevitable, and it comes to all things. And that includes people and animals, as well. There will be times of sorrow and disappointment, and we all have to learn how to best cope with them. We are not conditioned to embrace unwanted alteration, but we need to learn how to better accept the reality and impact, when it is forced on us.
During the early stage of grief there is little we can do other than go with the flow – and agonize and react to the shock and loss. But we should soon be able to rise to meet our pain, just as we did our joy. This needs to be accepted as some of the dues we all must pay in life. Without ongoing personal evolution we would be just vegetating, and not living up to the potential within us. We have an enlightening legacy of love and transition, left behind by our loved ones.
Ultimately, all life is change and growth. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be worth living. This can be a very hard lesson to learn, but it is a necessary one that our darling pets can teach us. However, as already suggested, it is nearly impossible to be philosophical, when in deep grief. That always takes time and a lot of patience with oneself. And some self-love, too.
Bereavement can expose our dormant notions of the soul. And if one has positive thoughts about that it can become an important part of the healing process. But on a very personal level, after great loss we discover that somehow we are able to ride out the wrath of the storm. Obstacles are temporary challenges. Each of us is capable of wonders. And when we reach deep down, into our very being, we all can come up with some amazing things. It is gratifying to realize that our beloved pets have helped us all to be able to achieve this.
Personal discovery and enlightenment lie around some next corner in each of our lives. But we can never really know when this will suddenly appear for us. We cannot control unexpected breakthroughs and changes. However, what we can do is help ourselves to be better prepared for them.
Many believe that we are not here by chance. It is felt there is some greater purpose or design to life. And this applies to our animal companions, as well. We are all here together, integrating and inter-reacting with each other’s company and influence – as long as it lasts. And then, when a loved one dies, we become changed, and live on. Hopefully, we begin to discover how much we are improved by the experience.
People who get stuck in their bereavement and pity for themselves need to realize that they are
not victims of life – or death. We and our beloved animal companions are all passing celebrants,
together in this existence. This is change. Whatever happens will be past, the next day. The death of a dear pet (or ourselves) can be overwhelming to accept. Intellectually, we understand it, yet this can be so upsetting that we temporarily lose control of our normal perspectives. Initially, we tend to fall into a deep well of anguish, and lose sight of so much else around us – and in us.
Every birth and death makes way and provides for what will follow. Even stars and galaxies are born and die. Everything in the cosmos is part of some mind-boggling evolution – on such a grand scale that we can barely hope to comprehend even parts of it. It helps to realize that each of us is literally made of stardust. As a minuscule part of the universe, we and our planet are wonderful concentrations of atoms that had been gradually produced over 14 billion years, in countless stars that were born and later died. They exploded and scattered their newly evolved heavier elements into expanding space, to the next ones – in a profuse unending sequence of life, death and transformation. Physically, we are all a component part of this awesome oneness. Everything is somehow related, and involved in continual change.
Amazingly, in each of our bodies millions of individual cells die every day, and are replaced by new ones. Nothing is static. In very subtle ways each of us is slightly different and altered from how we were, even the day before. It makes eminently good sense to capitalize on this awareness and incorporate it into our daily ways of thinking and doing things. Change should be capitalized on to make us better.
At first, it is natural to want to cling to the pain. If we tried too soon to get rid of it that would feel disloyal. Yes, this is pure emotion, and irrational. But it is part of the slow and tormenting bereavement response we go through. It is also how we all initially process our loss.
People always ask me how long will this horror of grief and deep bereavement last. Of course, it is impossible to generalize about this. Each person’s history plays a unique role, here. At this time, it is constructive to contemplate on the universality of change, that affects us all.
The final stage of bereavement is resolution. The term closure used to be applied to that. But we have found that it associates with permanently finishing and closing out on something. And that can cause a problem when trying to go on. Yes, the death of a loved one is shocking, and it painfully imposes changes on us. Yet, despite our initial anxieties, we learn with the passage of time we don’t ever lose that special love. We discover that we can become less overwhelmed by the death. Resolution from the grief will come in time, as we learn to cope and develop.
The death of a beloved pet is a tragic and traumatic experience. Mourning pain is inevitable, but extended misery is optional. And we can help ourselves with that. The heartbreak we endure may be so tragic that at first we feel we need to suffer, without end. It is essential to give ourselves permission to heal. Otherwise, we are “spinning our wheels” and will stay mired in our misery. In doing that we are denying change and growth – and our responsibility to ourselves, as well as the beloved memory of the pet.
With change we always become products of our former experiences. After discovering the beauty and wonder of that special life, we owe it to its ongoing memory to heal and grow again. Our loved ones become a permanent extension of who we are, and who we will be. They will never leave us.
Every tomorrow will become a yesterday. Change is always going to happen. Carpe Diem! Grasp each day and make the most of it. Move on, and grow with the enlightening legacy of love and transition that is left behind by your loved ones.
#petloss #petlosssupport #petgrief